Getting over hatred

I was looking at myself in a mirror today and I realized man I'm really hurting. Not hurting from being over weight or alone or anything else really but there's one thing that just is hurting me to my roots and that is that my whole life potential was changed so much by girls who have left me for other guys. It didn't occur to me until I saw myself in the mirror today how deep the hurt really is. Its like I'm this big tree now being 24 and I feel like the hurt is corrupting my tree to it's roots. So much hatred anger frustration and sadness from being left behind by these girls I realize must be dealt with before I move on. So I write this post in the hopes that it could help me get over this hurt.

Basically is happened like this. Being a young man, I had been through a lot after high school. If you read my older posts you would know. And in what happened, I learned a lot. These women gathered around me like I was some sort of prodigy. They could sense the knowledge and 2isdom I had from being what I had been through. But it was all just false hope I realize as I was not advanced enough mentally to communicate fully with any of them. Well this false hope turned into pure rage when I found out that I had been completely forgotten by these women. They chose someone else to channel their energy into. I was devastated. Being a virgin, it's hard for me to get over the fact that they did indeed choose someone else. They fed me images of being with me and gave me good feelings, stuff I couldn't understand completely and then like in one day they left me alone to myself. I've cried I've screamed I've expressed my feelings of hate enough already. I feel it's time to just completely let it go and move on with my life. Enough hatred, enough sadness, enough looking at the past and hoping it could have gone different. But the thing is I realize it's not enough to just say it. One has to really dive deep into oneself to remove hatred which corrupts consciousness. And so I try this process for the first time where I just go over everything that happened and accept it one by one. I forgive these women for giving me false hope and for choosing someone else. I know I wasn't the best guy either but I know deep down things could have worked out if I was just smarter about things.
It just hurts you know? Being chosen over someone else. especially after having gone through what I've gone through. I feel like my experiences everything that led to us meeting was just completely made obsolete and that i just wasn't good enough. Before I would say well I'm going to prove it to them and be the best I can be in spite of them but now I just want to let it all go. I want to be the best I can be for myself, not in spite of someone else. So enough with all that is holding me back, I'm going to try and work through it . Work through all the times these girls had sex with other guys knowing I was in need of help. I mean I know other people are in the same position but when the universe puts you two together and gives you feels you should honor them. At least that's what I think. I think that's what hurts me the most, that these women built me up and then left me alone so suddenly to have sex with other guys when I was there asking for their love. Sex is no joke, at least in my eyes. If you share with someone, it means you're special?to them and to be left behind like that just hurts so much.

Sexual relationships

After everything I've been through In  my mind and heart, I can't help but  feel a deep sense of betrayal from the universe.  My feelings of helping everyone with my third eye open were and will always be pure and yet, I'm treated like I always had second intentions with my motivations to awaken myself.  This is erroneous as I always made sure the goal was to help others as soon as I could help myself.  And yet some people are just fixed on me being some lazy asshole with malintention towards others. This couldn't be further from the truth.  While people made it about power games and domineering over others awakening in the name of sport,my motivation to break through the mold of my own consciousness has only been made stronger. And just because I physically am having trouble aligning my discipline with my motivation doesn't mean I have ever given up on either mine or the awakening of others that I may be connected to. Ever since before I met all these "awakened" people, my intentions were always pure and ill will try my best to make sure they stay pure. I look at this world and all I see are disfigured relationahips. People being with people they shouldn't be with. It's an epidemic and q very serious one as the progress of humanity is halted by the demonic behavior of those who choose chaos over order. But after all this, do I not deserve the same love many others get daily from their demonic relationships? It seems the universe doesn't care when a sexual relationship is deserved or not only that it happens or not. But in my case I feel I deserve and have deserved for a long time a relationship to express myself sexually more so than others who desire the same thing without having done any of the personal work necessary to have a healthy sexual relationship. And yet woman completely ignore the work I have done internally or what I've been through and pass me off,sexually, like I'm some sort of cretin. When in fact it's the opposite. THEY are the cretin blinded by their own vices and pitfalls that they can't see that I am part of earth plan for awakening and that I deserve the sexual energy that is allotted to me by the universe. I have helped the planet with in many ways having gone what I've been through and yet it is kept hidden and me abandoned treated like some kind of criminal. Fuck that. My intentions have always been pure and I have never attacked or hurt someone or something that didn't deserve it first. I am not the criminal these stupid childish women call me nor am I a sexual deviant. If anything I'm way ahead of these females mentally and should be asking for my guidance along the treacherous waters of the human psyche towards freedom. I am deserving of a healthy sexual relationship with someone as I know my power is derived from that kind of energy. All day long I see people fucking cause I can feel the energy of the movement made during sex and it is maddening that while all these demons regularly have sex, I am denied sex for very stupid reasons. A deep rage burns inside me knowing these women have purposely kept my awakening from me. They know not what they are dabbling with.  Many people have died because I could not help In time.  Not only this but my physical sense of wonder and inspiration seems to be dwindling away with this prevention of my awakening and it angers me to no end that while these women regularly have sex and enjoy the wonders of an open third eye, I am stuck here like a fucking dog at their fucking expense. It is a higher ideal to know that deep down everyone deserves to see the light at the end of it all and yet these woman sit on my fucking potential blocking my path in their own twisted sense of justice, it fucking sickens me. They don't feel I should ever see the light because in their eyes not every one deserves to see the light. Which is wrong.